I have a dear friend that we grew up with in West Texas. I have shared several times about having a wonderful childhood myself. But on the other hand, our friend was not so lucky. She had a very difficult childhood. It is not uncommon in these instances for children to receive negative messages about themselves, "you do not matter", or "you are not important." Sometimes these encrypted messages set the stage for co-dependency. You should take care of everyone besides yourself!
As as adult, if she was ask for help, not only would she offer the shirt off her back, but everything else on her personhood! We all know people like that! It did not matter how much that I argued with her about her choices, she would still choose selflessness to a fault!!!!
As time went by, we all had our children, and our families and the responsibilities that accompany those additional people.
Eventually, it was inevitable that we would all care for our aging parents. My job was co-shared with 2 wonderful people, my brother and sister-in-law, so the job was sad, but not too overwhelming. My husband cared for his parents, since his siblings lived too far away.
But naturally, it fell upon my friend to care for both of her parents, even though she has a brother. It was extremely difficult for her to care for her parents and her family all at the same time. It was about this time that the term the "sandwich generation" came to fruition.
It was also about this time that she began to experience a great deal more anxiety and fear, which was not surprising considering the situation!
It was a difficult, arduous time that she cared for her mother, then finally for her father. She had never shared with me until now, what a controlling husband and father he had been with his family. He had been a first generation immigrant, who probably experienced the common difficulties that were encountered by foreigners in a strange land. He had been a very bitter, angry man. Their Mother had never stood up for them, against their father. That can be so complicated and sad for everyone. Nevertheless, life sure has it ironies, doesn't it? No one could have taken better care of her father! I have always teased her that she missed her calling as a Nurse! Florence Nightingale!!!
The sad irony of this too common of a problem, is that after she buried her parents the anxiety that she had been experiencing began to increase, along with physical symptoms of chronic back, foot, hand, knee, shoulder pain along with increased depression, anxiety, and panic.
The good news is that she was able to find the right doctors to work with her to treat anxiety and depression. Through therapy, a wonderful therapist was able to assist her in realizing that she was actually suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) like soldiers for example, due to the cruel environment that she had to endure under her father. They even discovered that some bad memories had been repressed for her mental health safety. These were finally processed and dealt with, which is the healthiest situation. She is so much better now especially emotionally.
I so hate that she has to deal with all of the chronic pain and illness. It is not fair! But she is a survivor! We compare notes and laugh and tease each other!
She sure has learned to set healthier boundaries for herself! Just say, NO I CANNOT HELP WITH THAT!!!
She is a wonderful, Christian woman that has always lived her life by the Golden Rule!
I am so proud to call her my friend!!!
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